Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Tales from the Crypt Part 1

Alright, so I don't blog very often, but when opportunity presents itself, it's hard not to give in to the temptation. And ironically, childbirth class is one of those opportunities. I'll be the first to admit I'm not the most attentive listener and tend to make a joke or two in any notes that I take. But, it seems I take that to the next level when it comes to child birth class as the majority of my notes consisted of new ways to be an attentive and engaged labor partner. I won't bore you faithful readers with all of them, but I'll just touch on a few of the highlights. Either I can't take anything seriously, or I may just have stumbled upon some cutting edge new material. Don't be surprised if you see me teaching a birthing class near you!

The first thing that was established was that the instructor had only seen one "lobby baby" in twenty years. As of right now our (my)goal is to see baby Johnson birthed in the Mercy Hospital Lobby. Do you think they'd let us have the lobby as our hospital room? I bet we'd get a sweet discount. Aside from that, here are a few helpful tips for any expecting fathers.

  • There are lots of large and fancy words to describe the atonomical parts of a woman that are involved in the birthing process. You don't need to remember all (or any) of them. Its important that you rub your wife's hand as it will allow you to avoid a "movie" birth and you will not be scratched/clawed/beaten or cursed out.
  • Apparently, you can't predict when labor will happen. Make sure your vehicle is free of pet hair, golf clubs and empty pop cans. If it is necessary to deliver in your 2005 Ford Escape it is best that it is free of animal hair.
  • The uterus is like a ballon (a red ballon) and labor contractions are similar to rapidly opening a clothes pin for 60 seconds. It is important to realize that at this point, the mother is essentially bubble wrap for the baby to protect it (but don't tell her that, it won't make the kicks hurt any less) (and in that I mean the baby kicking her, not her kicking you when you tell her).
  • The pictures on in-utero babies all appear that the baby is desperately trying to eat itself.
  • Someone should be able to figure out how to induce labor. Is it like the hiccups? Can you scare your wife? Make her slam a glass of water? Dancing with your dog? Doing your best version of whatever is playing on the radio?
  • Be sure to tell her that she is a winner. Like Mickey encouraging Rocky, no pain, no gain. Try to equate gain to baby. Continuously promise unlimited McDonald's chocolate shakes as repayment for going through labor.
  • Bring cookies to the hospital. You do not want to be that father who passes out as his wife delivers because you are a moron and forgot to eat. Preferably Oreos.
  • As your wife delivers, remind her that she wants to go through labor like the Green Bay Packers of laboring, not the Minnesota Vikings of laboring. Because we don't want to come up short.
  • Do not pass out. DO NOT PASS OUT!
  • Sarah is to labor what Aaron Rodgers was to Super Bowl XLV. If she cramps up or gets hurt, we lose the Super Bowl.
  • Birth will be more successful if I'm there. Be sure to show up. On time. And bring myself some snacks that Sarah will really want, to encourage her to deliver faster.
  • The baby will be worth the laboring. Continuously remind wife of this. Also that she will no longer be pregnant after it happens.
And that's what I've learned. Your wife is the quarterback and you (as the man) are the punter. You play a small role in the game, and its important that you're there. But no one interviews you after the game. More to come after class two. Hopefully, we will cover hyperventilating.

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